I had the most amazing experience with God at 1:30 A.M. this morning. At first it wasn’t amazing and it scared the living mess out of me. I was shown the book of 1st Timothy and it was in layers like a city in 3D. Some words were highlighted yellow, pink, and blue. I heard women wailing and then I got this cold sensation. It was a cold I had never felt before like I was in the Tundra. I was in between two toddlers, two blankets, and my husband last night there is no way I should’ve been this cold! I was in so much pain it was almost unbearable and I was doing everything I could to warm up.
In all this pain, I kept seeing the word woman in these popped up verses. I got up and shivered all the way to the bathroom. I felt like I was being shrink wrapped. My back to my lungs felt like they were coming together. I got into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror and my lips were blue. No it wasn’t a fever. I can promise you it wasn’t a fever. It took me 5 1/2 hours to warm up. I’m running on next to nothing for sleep and I am fully charged. My heart has been changed to another level. I feel a constant flow of love that I can’t explain except to pair the word up with the word “encounter.” What happened last night at 1:30 A.M. was a life changing encounter with God.
I have realized that from the first time I gave my life to God in 2008 up until last night I harboring so many other feelings for people and situations other than love that I set my salvation up for disaster. I was disappointed with myself over my desires, loneliness, fears and worries, and impulsive behaviors. I was ticked off at my family for turning away from each other in the time we needed each other most. I believed I was failure because I couldn’t keep my Daddy from dying and my marriage from ruin. I mean after all I was a Christian right? God fixes it all my way right?
I was selfish and thought God owed me something because I “gave a heart to him he didn’t deserve”. What kind of God allows one years of torment and abuse from birth to 16? What kind of God takes and takes and takes only to want the one thing that was broken the most but was mine and mine alone and only I could take acre of it and manage?…Being my heart. I lied to the world and God, portraying two separate pictures of one truth that only God knew. I let everyone see what I wanted them to see. I never let go and let God have every piece of my heart. I still lived in La La Land under the illusion I was in control. In 2011 it all caught up to me and it took four years to surrender and another two to allow God to mend the brokenness and shame I felt for over over 30 years inside. Mercy came when I stopped running and granted mercy on myself.
I had an encounter with God this morning at 1:30 A.M. and it changed my heart again. I feel like the waters parted and he made a way for my heart to follow him injury the depths I craved to go once more ♡ God is real my friends. His love is real. I am finally home in his arms again.
If you’re thinking of running from God stop what you’re doing and run back to him. Run back as quickly as you can. Back sliding is no joke. It took me 6 years to get back to where I am at this very moment. I’m never letting this go. PRAISE GOD I’M FINALLY HOME!