Lately I’ve been fighting my perception of each relationship I have. Friendships, mentors, family, and with Jesus. To top it off, I’ve been holding back a lot of anger. It’s not easy learning to act with mercy when someone is telling lies about you; will say hurtful things to you; or in a different scenario: hurts your child and shows no remorse, all the while continues to do so.
In regards to saying hurtful things, this weekend I almost did something I would never think to do. I was one bad decision away from losing salvation and not representing what Christ has done for me in my blessed life. This weekend someone I love, that hurt me very deeply to the point our relationship was fractured, wanted to attend our daughter’s graduation and while I wanted her to attend, I wanted her to make a mends so we could all be a family again. She was not willing to do so; so, as a last-ditch effort to finally get a jab in and show her who’s boss, I asked for her tickets. I was dead set on ripping them up in front of her.
I wanted her to feel the way she made me feel. In my mind, she would see how bad she has hurt me and my family and that I was the ruler of this domain. But, I couldn’t. I love her way too much and if there is any hope for reconciliation that would have sealed it off. I love my daughter too much. I love my family too much. Above all, I love Jesus too much and I appreciate what he’s done for me and mine far more than any pain I may feel. Trust me when I say I am filled with guilt as I type for ever thinking such a thought, but I know there is victory in Jesus when you choose to love instead.
There’s a lot that goes with all of this. I call it an “Unnecessary Load”. We all go through this when our relationships are off. The paranoia of being played or ousted; the anger inside that wants to turn physical; wanting to be the one that can prove they are right to rub it in everyone’s face; the wondering when someone is going to step in and make it all go away. These feelings are all part of the “Unnecessary Load”, because these are just feelings. Unfortunately, feelings can be confused with truth.
The truth is when we find ourselves in times of hurt and uncertainty and we need solace, God is near (Psalm 23). When we find ourselves needing rescued it’s already been done (Galatians 1:3-5). God rescued us from sin, and sin can hurt us on an eternal level (Matthew 10:28). People only hurt our emotions and flesh. While our feelings and our well being is still important, we must remember this life here on Earth is not our forever home (Hebrews 13:14) be brave enough to love and give it all to God and forgive.
When we find ourselves needing vindicated trust that God has a purpose in all that we go through. Purpose is more important than validation, reward, and vengeance. Purpose is the beautiful package of all that is right, pure, true, loved, and good (Proverbs 19:21) ♡
Lord thank you for always being my guiding light and voice of reason. Thank you for giving me a clear mind and accountability through the feeling of guilt so that I would never carry such an evil and Satan filled act through. I bind Satan from every thought and every action while dealing with my loved ones and enemies. I call upon you my Heavenly Father, My King, My Savior as I deal with all unnecessary loads and trust that everything in life, good or bad, is for the greater good of your purpose.
In Jesus’s name. Amen.